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Wedding showers…oh.

I hate them.

Okay, that’s totally not fair, and not even true. I actually really do enjoy a Superior wedding shower. I like a nice brunch, a champagne cocktail, and I love to look at registries (seriously, send me yours if you want an honest opinion. I’ve probably already stalked it anyways –you KNOW everyone can look yours up, right?). Me also crazy about Jordan Almonds (Sigh. I might be the only one.).

Like many of us, however, I have been to some TERRIBLE wedding showers. I have witnessed ungodly things. Ms. Superiority has been run through the ringer, and experienced that which should never be experienced. (FYI plastic tablecloths are never, ever to be saved. Ever. Nope. You were wrong.) (Oh, and actually, I spent $20 on gift wrap and a card, so having your sister unwrap all your presents? In the other room? Where no one could see the effort I put in? To make things run faster? Yeah, I was pretty shocked and upset. Cause at a shower? It’s all about watching you open the presents and seeing what you got, once that’s done, the shower is what we call OVER. That’s pretty much all there is. Especially if there’s no booze.)

What I am most distressed about, something I really take to heart, is the lack of alcoholic beverages available for guests. (I also have been to showers where there was no beverage except for fruit punch – I mean, no Diet Coke!? Is there a bride who doesn’t drink diet soda?! What the F*** is fruit punch?) One of these more recent alcohol free showers was family-run and one of these showers was run by friends of a friend. So it happens everywhere, unfortunately.

To not serve champagne at a wedding shower (I mean, we all know how I feel about champagne and its medicinal purposes, right?) is poor taste. Both in the financial and adjectival sense, I’m afraid. You can buy faux champagne (sparkling wine – not cider, BTW) for around $4.00 per bottle. Throw in some peach puree or even just o.j. and you are good to go. So don’t give me monetary excuse.

Champagne is served to celebrate events, to christen ships, to rejoice over good news. But at a wedding shower, we don’t use champagne to celebrate the marriage (that’s called a wedding, folks); we are just trying to get tipsy enough so that we mere guests can actually enjoy you opening another set of stem-less Riedel glasses. We also would like to take the edge off the feelings of hopelessness because our sig-ot (significant other) gets wasted with his buddies every single time you mention co-habitation. Linda Evangelista didn’t get out of bed for less than $10,000 and I certainly ain’t getting up on Saturday morning to watch you open presents without liquid courage.

Yes, Great Aunt Whitney may have a severe drinking predicament (well, we can’t call it a problem). But then keep her in the other room and give her a task such as collecting ribbons off the gift wrap. And refill my glass while you are up. I can’t really write more about this topic I am so visibly shakey; I may type something I regret.