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There is a subject matter that I would like to post about and it is a sensitive one – so please consider yourself warned.

Resumes and Cover Letters.

I work in a Human Resources environment. I can’t really go much further into detail here. But please trust me when I tell you I screen hundreds and thousands of resumes each year and always am close to needing medication or a stiff cocktail by the time the torture is over.

Are you all mentally ill?

There are a few things superior people should do well and decent resume and cover letter are mandatory. In fact, if you want to email me your resumes and cover letters – today only I am doing you a favor and will go over them for you for free. That’s how serious I am.

I have a few helpful hints for the masses:

For the sake of everyone: make sure that your email is not hotmama624 or friskysparklekitty; it should be something lovely like, oh, I don’t know…your first and last name? People don’t hire spankmeboi08. Not ever. Sorry.

Make sure that your name matches in all areas (email, cover letter, and resume). You can’t be Frankie Jones on your cover letter and Frances Jones in your resume. And you really can’t be Jane Jones in the email line. As in “Thanks for mailing my resume, mom!”

Make sure your information is updated and correct. Like your phone number. Don’t give me your parent’s phone number. Get a cheap pay as you go cell phone, you loser. I don’t want to call your parents.

There are very few times in your life where a resume that is more than 1 page can you do you any good. You should only have 2 pages if your information fills out the entire 2 pages. There is no such thing as 1.5 pages of resume. If your resume is 1.5 pages change the width/margins in Word and make your font smaller (smaller but you should be able to read it). One page is really ideal. End of story. Exceptions for this happen only when you have been working for at least 15 years, are a published author or medical student or a lawyer. Or you won a Nobel. But that’s about it.

You cover letter should always be one page and pertinent to why you would be an asset to our company. Why should you work for us? What skills do you possess that pertain to my company? Also, and this is important. If you are applying for a job on the East Coast and you live on the West Coast – you HAVE to mention why you are interested in an EAST COAST job. AS in, “I am moving with my partner to MA” or “I am starting grad school in NYC this fall and looking for part-time employment”. Otherwise we think you didn’t realize that the job was in fact, on the freaking East Coast.

Don’t EVER send me reference letters or copies of your report card, diplomas, and certificates of membership to the church of scientology. DON’T EVER SEND THEM! DON’T.  No one cares that you are a registered amphibian lover. No one. We want a cover letter and a resume. That’s it, fish boi!

Spell check is your friend. Use it. A lot. We notice when you make mistakes. I am sure you are very, VERY “deetailed orientated”. Nice.

Make sure, in all your deetailing, that you pay attention to whom you are sending your information. “Dear Burger King, I have always wanted to serve your tasty Big Mac to people from all around the globe.” Get it?

 

Things I really hate (or reasons why you didn’t get your last job):

1.       When your parents call to ask me about setting up a job interview for your sad lazy ass (And yes it does happen. All. The. Freaking. Time). I also don’t like when you call me yourself. No matter what people say, “We WILL call you if we are interested!” We really will. Take the hint and don’t embarass yourself.

2.       When you are rude to moi on the phone. Because I always tattle on you to the big boss.

3.       When I can’t read your name/signature or your writing on an application.

4.       When your information on a resume or cover letter are wrong (phone number and email is a big one).

5.       When I can’t tell if you are a boy or a girl (not for hiring purposes, but so I can write Dear MS. or MR. Loser on your “no hire” letter). If your name is constantly confusing, you may want to consider writing Mr. Fran Jones on your information. This is good for any name not Jennifer or Mark.

6.       When you sign your name: Sincerely, Frances Jones, MA or Fran Jones, MBA – I am actually shaking with fury right now. That’s how crazy it makes me. You are only allowed to write letters after your name if you are a doctor (PhD or MD of DMD). That’s it moron.

 Couple of highlights that I love (just to keep things positive):

Hyperlinked items in your resume or cover letter: hyperlinking your own website or article from a paper you were featured in – so superior and it makes my job a whole lots easier.

If you mail your info in (so much better for the environment and sanity of moi) changing everything into PDF so I can’t edit it behind your back is very wise.

Actually these are the only thigns I have seen recently that I approve of… I will try to think of more.

Truly, I appreciate your listening to this crazed rant! Is it 5pm yet?

Ms. Superiority

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